Baby Proofing

Babies are idiots.  They run into things, eat marbles and accidentally slam their head into things that they are looking right at.  You at your drunkest is a baby at its best.  That’s why baby hammers are made out of soft plastic.   I have not once hit my self in the head with my own hammer, my baby does it daily.

In our younger, no babies days my wife bought a beautiful wrot iron and glass table.  A nice place to put sharp or hot or small choking hazards at baby head height and just leave them.

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Then we had a kid and our nice coffee table turned into a living room death trap.  With all of the sharp metal edges and glass top to possibly break it would be a safer idea to have a dingo as a babysitter.

Now there are several products designed to make your coffee table “safe.”  Some shitty plastic nub with an adhesive back to go over the corner.  Your kid will have that thing off and halfway down their esophagus faster than you can say “not edible.”

To truly child proof all you need is 3 things.  Foam Core, Duct Tape and hands.

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Cut the foam core to the size of the sides and top of your table and tear some strips of duct tape with your hands. Slap the foam core on the sides of the table, tape it on and you have turned the baby killer above into…

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A safe and beautiful coffee table!  This thing could has such soft corners you could put it in the suicide watch wing of a mental hospital.  No parts to choke in, no sharp edges and your baby gets an early introduction to the greatest substance known to man… Duct Tape!

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Man’s best friend.

I have to be less of a man and more with a baby today so I have come up with a list of uses for man’s best friend, the Makita Cordless Drill.

Uses for a Makita cordless drill.
– drill holes
– screw screws
– make protein shakes
– scare the neighbors
– white noise machine
– juice citrus fruits
– turtle hunting
– eating spaghetti
– opening beer (can)
– self defense
– explaining the “birds and the bees” (along with socket wrench)
– small rotisserie chicken
– filing off the crust on your heal.
– new belt hole (hey, my ab got bigger!)
– speed holes for the baby walker

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More suggestions?  Post your favorite activity with your best friend by clicking on the cartoon bubble at the top right of the post.

This post in honor of the Makita man with two babies that could do it all CSM.

Stroller Apocalypse

North Korea is testing nukes, asteroids are hitting Russia and Justin Bieber is considered a man.  The apocalypse is near.  Its horrible to imagine but to not prepare is stupid.

Time to change your stroller into a baby tank.  No… not like a fish tank full of babies like a military tank that can withstand anything.

You’re stroller as is will not due.  I cannot stress this enough.  You don’t want to be pushing a McClaren through the barren hellscape when a pack of gypsies looking for water attack.  You can kiss that rat jerky you just made goodbye! Anything can happen which means you need to outfit your stroller for any situation imaginable.

Here are a couple of ideas to get you started.

Larger tires! Jack that baby up a good foot and put some mudders on it.  You don’t want something as stupid as rubble the reason you get eaten by the now escaped zoo animals.

Since dogs will quickly return to their wolf pack hunter nature you’ll need something to protect you from dogs as big as a Great Dane to as small as whatever that rat dog your ex girlfriend kept in her purse…. and a lot of them.  I suggest mounting a flame thrower.  Preferably one with a wide range of settings.  One that works for defense but can also be turned down for roasting marshmallows.  Survival is key but bonding is also important.

Mounted jousting spears.  When technology fails, medieval weapons prevail.  Bullets will run out then its the man with the biggest stick wins.

Camouflage.  Some times its important to lie low and let danger pass.  Choose your camo colors wisely.  Keep in mind your environment may change.  With global warming being very real I suggest you prep for the inevitable…Yep, that’s right, water world.  I suggest a pontoon system for survival with a submersible feature for camo.  Also important, a place to hold water wings for playtime.  

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These are just a few ideas to get you started.  Brainstorm with your loved ones.  Make it a fun family evening.  “Hey kids, the world as we know it is destroyed!  No more police, technology or infrastructure.  A world where violence is commonplace and people revert back to tribes of no more than 30.  So, what do you think we will need to protect yourselves from being eaten by our fellow man?”

Kids love games.

Feel free to post your ideas below.

Dear Man with a baby, should I get a gun to protect my family?

No, guns are common, pedestrian and cause little to no fear in a man holding one himself.  Here’s what you do.

Sleep naked (a real man already does… Carhartt doesn’t make pajamas) and place a framing hammer on your nightstand.  If someone breaks in DO NOT GET CLOTHED, you want to look as close to “the missing link” as possible. Run out of the bedroom toward the intruder,  hammer over head, grunting like an ape wearing only the body hair god gave you.

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No matter what size gun the intruder has, they will run.  Nothing’s scarier than a naked man running at you with a hammer.  Not only is your house safe from that guy, but all of that guys scumbag friends.  Cause when a naked man tries to kill you with a hammer, everyone’s going to hear that story.  

At the battle of Highchair.

A child will fight a restaurant highchair like its a title shot.  I don’t blame them for not wanting to sit there.  It looks as comfortable as a wooden electric chair, there is dried up food in every small space on it and the last person who used it probably pooped in it.  I think that’s why kids want to do karate.  They see a guy in pajamas punch through a board and somewhere in their subconscious they think “teach me your ways Sensi and they can never hold me in a highchair again.”

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My suggestion, hand the kid to the waiter.  It freaks my daughter out so much that she gladly straightens up her legs and slides right into the chair.  She would even buckle the belt herself if she could.  

I am not a dad, I am a man with a baby.

A lot of people have a kid and then they stop being awesome.  They buy life insurance and stop saying fuck.  They order a “soy chai” instead of drinking coffee black, out of a funnel.  They watch cool stuff happen from a safe distance instead of doing cool stuff.  They become dads and stop being men.

That doesn’t have to happen, there is another option…  Man with a baby.

A man with a baby knows how to throw a punch, rebuild a carburetor and gut a deer while wearing a baby bjorn.  (why don’t those things come in camo).  A man with a baby skips brunch to put aftermarket parts on the stroller (men don’t do brunch) and can change a diaper while walking down the street.    Being a man is great, being a man with a baby is better.