Diaper Rodeo

Diapers are a reality for the first couple, and last couple, and it you’re living right a couple in the middle years.  They need to be changed, and it helps if you don’t bitch and moan and try to get your wife to do it.  You do it.  If you didn’t want to have kids you should have wanked it that night.  You didn’t so now you have to touch poop, quit whining.

Its all in how you view it.  I change diapers like a cowboy competes in a Tie Down Roping.  If I am at a restaurant I will get to the bathroom door with my daughter and yell through the restaurant “GO!”  She starts the time and I bust through the door, get the kid stripped down, hosed, dressed up and bust through the door “TIME!”  I am not sure my best time cause I am not sure my wife is too good at telling time.  Every time I ask her how I did she deflects (probably cause she is embarrassed cause she can’t tell time) and says something like “you are such an asshole.  You embarrassed the hell out of me!  You need to grow up!”

Every time I do something truly awesome she says something like that to me so I think its safe to assume that it must be lady speak for “nice work!  That and you are truly manly and great!”

Feel free to post your times below.  Don’t be shy, even if its not an “you’re an embarrassment to the entire family.  I should have never married you.”  we all have to start somewhere.

Secrets to keep your kid from getting sick.

Kids get sick all of the time.  Some how people are always surprised.  “Sick again!?!? Wow little buddy I wonder why this keeps happening?”

Let me take a stab.  The kid just licked the sidewalk.  Her entire lunch has been on the floor.  She just ate something that has been down the in crack of the stroller for 2 years and I don’t know why they have this tradition but it seems like every time a kid under 3 meets another they will have their hands inside of the other kids mouth as some point.

I am no doctor but it seems to me that if any group of people are going to get sick over and over again its kids.  They’re gross.

Your kid doesn’t have to be a statistic.  There are several things you can do to keep your kid healthy.

1- Cough loudly and scratch at open wounds.  People and kids will go near a sick kid but if you look like you are sick enough to die those sick kids and parents will leave you and your kid alone.

2- Bleach bucket.  Now, we all know that you can’t dunk your kid into bleach but you can use the same idea.  Get a bucket at lease 3 feet tall, fill it with hand Purell and set it outside your door.  Every time the kid comes home strip them down and dunk em’ in.

We got a carnival Purell Dunk Tank.  Fun for the whole clean and healthy family!

We got a carnival Purell Dunk Tank. Fun for the whole clean and healthy family!

3- Self immunization.  Now kids already do this but to a lesser degree.  The idea is to expose them to everything so they build antibodies till their immune system is tougher than a shark who’s parents were killed in front of him in a dark alley and had devoted his life to fighting crime… Yep… Batman Shark!

Take them to a local children’s hospital and let them lick everything in the waiting room  Sure they will get really sick but when they wake up from that coma they will be bullet proof!

Feel free to post any other ideas, but don’t say vitamins and eating healthy or I will smack you.

The manliest vasectomy ever!

It is a question that all of us have.  How do we keep having sex but stop having babies?  You know all of the standard options… condoms, the pill, vasectomy,  thinking about Rosie O’Donnell while you do it.  One man has figured out another way, it took 5 years and I doubt it was worth it.

Some people work their whole lives to get onto TV, this guy was born dumb enough to film.  Who says all innovators are smart?

Passover – Not a manlier holiday exists!

Passover is a holiday celebrating Men being Manly!  For you not familiar, here’s what happened.  A spirit was going to come town a long time ago in Egypt and kill all the first born sons. When people found out about this all the Men With Babies were like “Fuck that!  No ghost is coming near my kids!”  So they killed something their house or hacked off a toe or something so they could smear blood all over their door so that the killer ghost… we’ll call him John Wayne Ghosty would be all “what psycho would smear blood all over their house!  I better not go in there, those dudes are crazy!”  That’s prison rules! (act crazy your first day and no one will mess with you.)  As a result those men, and their families slept well and woke up with everybody alive and ate whatever they killed last night for breakfast.

One of these manly Jews doing some fishing.  On the Sabbath they can't use fishing poles.

One of these manly Jews (thanks for sharing your fishing trip pics Dan Trink) doing some fishing. On the Sabbath they can’t use fishing poles.

The story is not all happy.  Some “dads” were all “eeewwwweee blood!  I have a weak stomach and new shoes.  I can’t do that.  We just painted our door taupe.”  And since they didn’t have it in them to man up, grow a pair and get bloody… kids died.

Passover is a celebration of Men With Babies being manly to save their families.  If we learn anything from this story its that your kids don’t need a “dad”  they need a MAN WITH A BABY!  and that killer ghosts play by prison rules.

SIDE NOTE: Man With A Baby is not Jewish but with stories like this and that 40 year desert hike they most certainly have my respect!  That is one manly group of people!  In fact they are so manly, when a boy is born they cut off some of his manhood just to level the playing field for the rest of us!  You don’t get more manly than that.

Medical advise from Man With A Baby.

If you’re living right, injuries happen.  If you haven’t been injured in your life I bet you are boring at parties.  If you’re interesting to talk to for more than 2 seconds you have probably been hurt say falling off a fishing boat or electrocuted trying to wire the house with the power still on or fighting off a pack of wolves while camping.  Don’t be embarrassed we all have been hurt doing one thing or another.  It’s what you do once one gets hurt is where people go wrong.

A man who gets injured will go through the typical steps a man takes to mend an injury.

Step 1 – Yell at it.  “c’mon abs!  I can’t believe you let me have a hernia.  You need to step it up!”

Step 2 – Threaten it.  “You better buck up little soldier.  I will cut you!”

Step 3 –  Rub motor oil on it.

Step 4 – Drink beer.

(I ran this by my friend who is applying for med school and he said these are the first steps he would take so you know this info is quality.  Thanks almost Dr. B Comer!)

A woman who is injured has a similar process.

Step 1 – Call their friends and talk about how they feel about the injury.

Step 2 – I think you just do step 1 again.

(I didn’t run this by anyone.  Just personal experience.)

For kids you have to have a different approach.  Kids will look to you for how to react.  If they fall and you freak out, they freak out… do don’t freak out.  You also don’t want to laugh at them.  You don’t want to create some creepy S&M kid who enjoys pain.  Find something middle of the road like “what are you drunk?  Get up, c’mon lets go to the park.”

So you’re saying we shouldn’t do it just cause he might catch on fire?

When you come up with an amazing and great idea (dangerous and possibly illegal) quite often your wife (captain no fun) will say no (protect your child from harm).

When this happens don’t be discouraged, you do have options. Option one: offer to babysit the neighbor kid.  Lets say you put up a zipline from your house to the garage.  Since a zipline is something that will be bearing weight you shouldn’t try it first, you’re 200lbs.  You know who isn’t .. Your kid!  So you pick him up from school, teach him all of the safety precautions like “hold on and whatever happens, don’t tell your mom.”  But before he can take off on the coolest thing your wife comes home and starts pointing out minor flaws that like “there is no landing, he’ll just slam into the garage” and “ that’s not a handle that’s a coat hanger!”

You try to talk some sense into her.  “There wouldn’t be space travel if we worried about small things like slamming into the garage.” and she reminds you that you work at NAPA not NASA… apparently the S means something.

Now go to the neighbors.  “Hey you two, you guys are such great neighbors you deserve an afternoon out!  You know what, how about I take care of Jimmy while you two treat yourselves to a nice afternoon at someplace fancy like the olive garden.”

Once they get to know you there is a good chance that they will no longer allow you near their family or property in that case demonstrate to your wife why your idea is great and safe on a doll so she can come to her senses (she will probably say no).

So now we are down to just two more options… you can either try it yourself or sign up to be part of the big brother program.  These kids don’t have a dad so they will probably trust you for a day or two.

 

How to get out of a Playdate

We discussed earlier why playdates are one if not all of the 7 layers of Dante’s inferno.  Today I will provide 3 sure fire ways to get our of a “playdate” or as I refer to them as “fake smile practice sessions.”

1- On your way to the playdate dislocate your shoulder like the Nazi who played Riggs in Lethal weapon.  Show up and tell them, “I was hit by a car, I threw my daughter in the air while I was being hit by the car and caught her after so she wasn’t hurt but I need to go to the hospital.”
There is a 90% chance that they will take care of your kid while you go to the Hospital (bar) to have a Doctor (you) pop your shoulder back in and give you some meds (beer) for the pain.

2- You don’t have to be one to register.  If you live in New York State go to http://www.criminaljustice.ny.gov/nsor/claws.htm and register as a sex offender.  Just fill out one form and you don’t have to go on play dates, chaperon field trips and all that Halloween candy you bought is yours and yours alone.

3- When in a real bind just break something only you can fix.  It has to be an immediate need, preferably to do with water.  “Oh no!  I accidentally put a hole in the dishwasher with this axe!  Quick, you go to the play date and I will take care of this.”

With playdates becoming an epidemic 3 ideas is not enough.  We must be over prepared so if you have any ideas please share by clicking the text bubble at the top right of the blog.  The more we know the stronger we become.