Oops, I forgot *wink*

The reason that seal team 6 is so deadly, even more deadly than several battalions of infantry is because they have the one thing that cannot be prepared for or out manned.  That is the element of surprise.

Day one you got flowers, day two you got her jewelry and just as she is lured into this pattern of expecting to receive something BAM! you get her nothing.  SURPRISE!

But Man With A Baby, that seems counter intuitive.  Won’t this work against our ultimate goal of nap time coitus?

No young grasshopper.  We have surprised her once and given her a present when she wasn’t expecting it and got a “so sweet, you didn’t have to, it’s not even mothers day” from her.

Then we gave her another gift the next day to an “I have the best husband in the world.”  This is a dangerous place because you can’t get any better that the best and you have set up and escalating expectation.  Flowers then jewelry, what’s next a yacht?!?!  Time to hit the reset button.

Today tell your wife that you are so sorry but there was a problem with shipping and the gift you got her today did not come.  It doesn’t really matter because its not mothers day and you have already gone above and beyond.  It will actually work in your favor because the one thing a woman likes more than gifts is an apology.  “I am so sorry, please forgive me” sounds to a woman what steak hitting the floor sounds like to a Black Lab or “take your pants off, lets get busy” sounds like to a man.

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Mothers day… the manliest holiday!

Mothers day is the manliest holiday next to veterans day.  These are the only two holidays that should be celebrated because they are the only two that are earned.

“But what about my birthday?”

Not special, everyone has one and you didn’t earn a it.  Your mother pushed her out a hole that was not supposed to fit you and has never walked the same since.  Then your mom and dad paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to raise you all the while you kept them from sleeping, shitting with the door closed and keeping them from having fun.  If anything your birthday should be the day you should call your parents and apologize profusely for being the the cancerous leach that has drained their life force… Not an excuse to do body shots off some sad girl at a sushi bar.

Lets take a look at the similarities between Veterans, mothers day and then the gross difference from those and “your birthday.”

Veterans day – volunteered to go through hell and maybe die a horrible painful death for your fellow countrymen.

Mothers day – volunteered to go through hell and maybe death to to create your life

Birthday – Celebrating the day you were given life… you really think you should celebrate the day you were given life by requesting people give you more stuff?

 

Veterans day – if you make it out of war alive mental and emotional scars of war will be with you the rest of your life.

Mothers day – if you make it through childbirth alive the thing you just gave life to at the expense of your body will leach off of you for the rest of your life.

Birthday – Celebrating your parents exhausting themselves and their resources to keep you alive another year.

 

Veterans day – You get a parade…

Mothers day – Breakfast in bed and some shitty drawing from your kid.

Birthday – You get money, gifts and license to act like an asshole.

Don’t get me started on Christmas… really?  You want presents for someone else’s birthday – Fuck you!

She can feed you with her titties and kill you with her hands!

She can feed you with her titties and kill you with her hands!

So celebrate Mothers day by treating her like the wartime vet she is.  Thank her for her service, call her a hero, if she repeats a story, let her keep talking and if you’re in Starbucks and she starts screaming “there is charlie everywhere!!!”  drops to the ground and starts to army crawl, drop to the ground with her.  Remember, its your war she fought in.

For the husbands reading, today is small piece of jewelry day.  It shouldn’t be expensive.  Give it to her saying, “I just couldn’t wait till Sunday   Thanks for being such a great mom and wife.”  This sets up our strategy perfectly.  Small gift, small gift and then tomorrow is when you become a hero.

 

Want sex, celebrate mothers day like you stole it.

Mothers day is right around the corner.  If you are a smart mothers day for you starts a week early and it the most celebrated week of the year.

This is because mothers day is the one day that will determine how much sex you get for the rest of the year.  Its like the SAT’s of getting some while your kid is napping.  For that same reason mothers day starts a week early.  You ever heard a drunk chick at a bar yell “its my birthday week!” Of course you have.  Girls get showered with gifts for weeks on either side of their big days be they birthdays, graduations or any saturday by their dads so that later in the girls life some dude won’t be able to buy his way in between her legs with a 20 piece McNugget and a mixtape.

I once heard a girl on a subway say “At least my man pay for my lazer tag and my movie ticket.”  Sounds like someone didn’t have a dad around.

Each day from now till mothers day you should have a gift for your wife and/or baby momma.  I will post each day from now till mothers day to help new fathers navigate the dark and treacherous waters of gift giving to your wife to ensure your sex life doesn’t exclusively include 5 fingers.

Today’s gift: Flowers.  They last all week and are a reminder of how thoughtful you are.  Just don’t give them to her while pointing at your pants, not helpful.

And never use your fly as a vase.

And never use your fly as a vase.