Mothers day is the manliest holiday next to veterans day. These are the only two holidays that should be celebrated because they are the only two that are earned.
“But what about my birthday?”
Not special, everyone has one and you didn’t earn a it. Your mother pushed her out a hole that was not supposed to fit you and has never walked the same since. Then your mom and dad paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to raise you all the while you kept them from sleeping, shitting with the door closed and keeping them from having fun. If anything your birthday should be the day you should call your parents and apologize profusely for being the the cancerous leach that has drained their life force… Not an excuse to do body shots off some sad girl at a sushi bar.
Lets take a look at the similarities between Veterans, mothers day and then the gross difference from those and “your birthday.”
Veterans day – volunteered to go through hell and maybe die a horrible painful death for your fellow countrymen.
Mothers day – volunteered to go through hell and maybe death to to create your life
Birthday – Celebrating the day you were given life… you really think you should celebrate the day you were given life by requesting people give you more stuff?
Veterans day – if you make it out of war alive mental and emotional scars of war will be with you the rest of your life.
Mothers day – if you make it through childbirth alive the thing you just gave life to at the expense of your body will leach off of you for the rest of your life.
Birthday – Celebrating your parents exhausting themselves and their resources to keep you alive another year.
Veterans day – You get a parade…
Mothers day – Breakfast in bed and some shitty drawing from your kid.
Birthday – You get money, gifts and license to act like an asshole.
Don’t get me started on Christmas… really? You want presents for someone else’s birthday – Fuck you!
So celebrate Mothers day by treating her like the wartime vet she is. Thank her for her service, call her a hero, if she repeats a story, let her keep talking and if you’re in Starbucks and she starts screaming “there is charlie everywhere!!!” drops to the ground and starts to army crawl, drop to the ground with her. Remember, its your war she fought in.
For the husbands reading, today is small piece of jewelry day. It shouldn’t be expensive. Give it to her saying, “I just couldn’t wait till Sunday Thanks for being such a great mom and wife.” This sets up our strategy perfectly. Small gift, small gift and then tomorrow is when you become a hero.