Sweatpants! Cause you didn’t like sex anyway.

Alcohol and sweatpants have something in common.  They are ok to enjoy once in a while but if you do them every day you need help.  “Sweats” is a misnomer.  No one wearing sweats is ever doing anything to make them sweat, and if you sweat from eating potato chip crumbs out of your belly button, seek medical attention.

Sweatpants were originally created by women.  They found when coupled with an old, stained, over sized tee shirt the combo warded off unwanted sexual advances.  Basically sweatpants were the first rape whistle.

Today sweatpants are worn as “day off” apparel, something loose to lounge about in.  The problem is sweatpants take away your motivation to shower or eat anything that doesn’t stain your fingers orange.  Sweatpants are sold at just about any major clothing store and without even a list of dangerous side effects and are available to everyone… even children!

Here are a list of the, all too little publicized side effects of sweatpants.

1-      Sweatpants were originally used on men as a means of castration.  If you’re wearing sweats you’re probably crying and no one go’s home with and fucks a guy who’s crying in public.

2-        In a Swedish study men who wore sweatpants were 10X more likely to refer to a Phillips head screwdriver as “the crossey one”

3-      95% of men diagnosed with gynecomastia (the formation of breast tissue in men) own two or more pair.

4-     They cause a type of rare terrets where a man will say things like “YOLO!” and “swag”

5-      Many biblical scholars believe that Eve was not made of Adams rib but was really just Adam in a pair of sweats.

6-      When a man is wearing sweatpants he cannot blow anything up with out first “ sharing his feelings” and “crying it out.”

7-      Sweats lower your testosterone by all of it.

8-      Apes have the strength of 10 men but if you put sweats on one you could probably beat up that ape.

9-      Their original name was “give ups”

10-  If a man wears a pair for more than 2 days he will start to reference cars not as a “69 Buick Wildcat” but by color such as “I drive a shiny purple one.”

So until legislation is passed requiring a minimum age and some warnings on sweatpants spread the word.  We can’t afford to lose another young soul to this seemingly safe, full lower body cloth diaper we call sweatpants.

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Hiding eggs full of diabetes

Its been a week since Easter and I have learned one thing.  Count your eggs, especially the hard boiled ones before you hide them.  We forgot to and ended up counting the eggs up to “that’s looks about right” which, a week later turned into a game of “find the smell.”

The other thing I learned…  We bought candy and plastic eggs to fill.  We didn’t buy a lot of candy cause my wife wanted to fill the eggs with healthy treats.  What a great way to ruin a game.  “I have hidden eggs all over the house with treats in them!  Find the eggs and you get treats!”

Flash forward a half hour.

“why aren’t you guys looking for the eggs?”  “We found one and it had carrot sticks in it…  Can we disown you as a father?”

So anyway, I got out the candy and somehow before I could get the candy into the eggs and hide them I found myself with a stomach ache and no candy left.  So I guess lesson number 2 is, buy two bag and hide one of them from yourself.  Then when you accidentally eat the first one  its just a little Easter hunt of your own to fill the eggs.

That’s the nice part of kids not really having a memory of the first 3 years.  You have a couple years to screw up and learn as you go.

Why baby proof your house when you can house proof your baby!

Having a toddler is like being on suicide watch 24/7.  Turn around for a second and they have eaten a bug or jammed something down their throat that they are going to choke on.  They view stairs as an invitation to jump and will ram their eye into the corner of any table they are walking past, especially if they are looking right at it.

Traditionally we have baby proofed our house.   We pad, gate and lock  everything until our house looks like an insane asylum for midgets.  Baby proofing is annoying, time consuming and expensive.   We alter 400 things to protect 1 kid.  The ratio is off.  Why not alter one thing to protect it from the 400?  That’s right, why baby proof the house when you can house proof the baby!

House proofing a baby isn’t all a walk in the park.  You will need some equipment such as:

A: a pair of wool socks

B: Goggles

C: Helmet

D: Duct Tape

Your wife may also have ridiculous objections like “this is illegal.”  So get all the supplies and just make sure the wife is getting a manicure or something.

The things that get a child into trouble the most seem to be its opposable thumbs.  They allow the kid to climb the book case, turn on the stove or swallow that thing they just found under the couch.   In order to protect the child from its thumbs, duct tape some thick wool socks on its hands.

Look ma!  No opposable thumbs!

Now strap some goggles on the kids face and before they have the chance to pull them off throw a helmet on top.  No kid with out thumbs will be able to slide a pair of goggles over a bike helmet.  Now the kid can ram his noggin into tables and desks with reckless abandon and never have to worry about a thing.

Every child is different so there may be different tools for different needs so don’t be afraid to play around and find what works best for your family.  Whether it be bubble wrap duct taped to his shins or baby clogs with bells on them just so you know where they are.  No idea is to out there when it comes to keeping your child safe.  Since it takes a village please feel free to post your own ideas below.  The more we all know the less thinking we all have to do.

Your kid just got punched… how do you not go to jail?

First off, set down that tree you just uprooted.  Now, unclench your fists.  Nothing gets a cops tazer out of their belt faster than a man with his fists clenched running at a child.  Second, breath.  In and out, both directions at least 10 times.  This should get your eye to stop twitching.  Now walk slowly to your child who is no longer in danger and is probably doing better than you are right now.  I say first walk to your child because my first instinct was to punt the kid and Chuck Norris the dad’s face right off.  My second instinct was to go to my kid.

Now two things can happen here.  Either the parent saw the incident and will step in, apologize and tell their kid to apologize and try to make a teaching moment out of this or the parent didn’t see this go down.  If the first happened, the situation is take care of.  If the second happens well…

Here’s what I suggest.  Go to your kid and say loudly enough to everyone to hear, “A little boy just punched you?!?!  Who was it?”

As she sheepishly points at the kid make sure you also point at the kid with your man arms to draw everyone’s attention to the kid.  Now yell “YOU MEAN THAT KID WITH THE YELLOW DINOSAUR SHIRT AND THE DAD IN THE PINK POLO DRINKING A JAMBA JUICE JUST PUNCHED YOU?!?!” The pink polo and jamba juice are just guesses but probably spot on.  This will embarrass the shit out of the dad.  Now we come to another fork in the road.  If the guy takes the previously described action of apology all’s fair.  He won’t let it happen again cause no one forgets when a guy uproots a tree then yells to everyone in the park about your bad parenting.  Possibility two… he hears you and shrugs it off.

If this happens get your kid near the parent and teach your kid how to make a fist.  When they screw it up say “no, like this” and punch the guy in the face.

I’m just kidding, that leads to jail and that has rectal repercussions no one wants.

What you want to do is start telling about everyone about the “incredibly violent” child and allude to the idea that he had to learn the violence from someone (dad).  As the week goes on mention that you saw bruises on the kid and tell all the other parents he flinches a lot.  As all the parents buy it drop an anonymous hint to CPS that the kid is getting hit by the dad at home.  As they interview friends from the neighborhood he gets to plan how he is going to keep ass hungry inmates away from his tire swing.

Diaper Rodeo

Diapers are a reality for the first couple, and last couple, and it you’re living right a couple in the middle years.  They need to be changed, and it helps if you don’t bitch and moan and try to get your wife to do it.  You do it.  If you didn’t want to have kids you should have wanked it that night.  You didn’t so now you have to touch poop, quit whining.

Its all in how you view it.  I change diapers like a cowboy competes in a Tie Down Roping.  If I am at a restaurant I will get to the bathroom door with my daughter and yell through the restaurant “GO!”  She starts the time and I bust through the door, get the kid stripped down, hosed, dressed up and bust through the door “TIME!”  I am not sure my best time cause I am not sure my wife is too good at telling time.  Every time I ask her how I did she deflects (probably cause she is embarrassed cause she can’t tell time) and says something like “you are such an asshole.  You embarrassed the hell out of me!  You need to grow up!”

Every time I do something truly awesome she says something like that to me so I think its safe to assume that it must be lady speak for “nice work!  That and you are truly manly and great!”

Feel free to post your times below.  Don’t be shy, even if its not an “you’re an embarrassment to the entire family.  I should have never married you.”  we all have to start somewhere.

Secrets to keep your kid from getting sick.

Kids get sick all of the time.  Some how people are always surprised.  “Sick again!?!? Wow little buddy I wonder why this keeps happening?”

Let me take a stab.  The kid just licked the sidewalk.  Her entire lunch has been on the floor.  She just ate something that has been down the in crack of the stroller for 2 years and I don’t know why they have this tradition but it seems like every time a kid under 3 meets another they will have their hands inside of the other kids mouth as some point.

I am no doctor but it seems to me that if any group of people are going to get sick over and over again its kids.  They’re gross.

Your kid doesn’t have to be a statistic.  There are several things you can do to keep your kid healthy.

1- Cough loudly and scratch at open wounds.  People and kids will go near a sick kid but if you look like you are sick enough to die those sick kids and parents will leave you and your kid alone.

2- Bleach bucket.  Now, we all know that you can’t dunk your kid into bleach but you can use the same idea.  Get a bucket at lease 3 feet tall, fill it with hand Purell and set it outside your door.  Every time the kid comes home strip them down and dunk em’ in.

We got a carnival Purell Dunk Tank.  Fun for the whole clean and healthy family!

We got a carnival Purell Dunk Tank. Fun for the whole clean and healthy family!

3- Self immunization.  Now kids already do this but to a lesser degree.  The idea is to expose them to everything so they build antibodies till their immune system is tougher than a shark who’s parents were killed in front of him in a dark alley and had devoted his life to fighting crime… Yep… Batman Shark!

Take them to a local children’s hospital and let them lick everything in the waiting room  Sure they will get really sick but when they wake up from that coma they will be bullet proof!

Feel free to post any other ideas, but don’t say vitamins and eating healthy or I will smack you.

The manliest vasectomy ever!

It is a question that all of us have.  How do we keep having sex but stop having babies?  You know all of the standard options… condoms, the pill, vasectomy,  thinking about Rosie O’Donnell while you do it.  One man has figured out another way, it took 5 years and I doubt it was worth it.

Some people work their whole lives to get onto TV, this guy was born dumb enough to film.  Who says all innovators are smart?