How to build invincible babies!

Invincible babies aren’t born, they are built!

We all want healthy kids.  In an effort to keep our kids healthy we load up on Purell and antibacterial wipes, buy organic plates and free range napkins and wash our kids hands till they’re raw like an OCD victim that just wanked it.

All of this is having the opposite of the intended effect.  We need to get rid of the Purell and let our kids eat the Cheerios they find in the dog bed.  We bring our kids to the doc to get immunized against diseases that haven’t been around in 50 years then we bring them home into an environment full of germs and don’t let them touch anything.  This is why none of our kids have polio but they all have a new cold every week.

Lets take a que from modern medicine and let a kid immunize themselves from their environment.  Don’t just throw away the purell, introduce new germs to build up the immune system.  Start off prison rules style.  Find the sickest looking kid on the playground and have your kid go up and lick them.  When your kid starts chewing on a door handle don’t tell them to stop, challenged them.  “Bet you can’t get the whole thing in your mouth.”  Try playing games like “whats the sidewalk taste like?” or “how many rocks can you fit in your mouth.”

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If you want the seal team 6 of immune systems you have to constantly challenge it or it will get lazy.  Scrap the 5 second rule and replace it with the 5 minute or 5 day rule. If you do that everyone in your family will live to a hundred… or die trying.

 

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Sweatpants! Cause you didn’t like sex anyway.

Alcohol and sweatpants have something in common.  They are ok to enjoy once in a while but if you do them every day you need help.  “Sweats” is a misnomer.  No one wearing sweats is ever doing anything to make them sweat, and if you sweat from eating potato chip crumbs out of your belly button, seek medical attention.

Sweatpants were originally created by women.  They found when coupled with an old, stained, over sized tee shirt the combo warded off unwanted sexual advances.  Basically sweatpants were the first rape whistle.

Today sweatpants are worn as “day off” apparel, something loose to lounge about in.  The problem is sweatpants take away your motivation to shower or eat anything that doesn’t stain your fingers orange.  Sweatpants are sold at just about any major clothing store and without even a list of dangerous side effects and are available to everyone… even children!

Here are a list of the, all too little publicized side effects of sweatpants.

1-      Sweatpants were originally used on men as a means of castration.  If you’re wearing sweats you’re probably crying and no one go’s home with and fucks a guy who’s crying in public.

2-        In a Swedish study men who wore sweatpants were 10X more likely to refer to a Phillips head screwdriver as “the crossey one”

3-      95% of men diagnosed with gynecomastia (the formation of breast tissue in men) own two or more pair.

4-     They cause a type of rare terrets where a man will say things like “YOLO!” and “swag”

5-      Many biblical scholars believe that Eve was not made of Adams rib but was really just Adam in a pair of sweats.

6-      When a man is wearing sweatpants he cannot blow anything up with out first “ sharing his feelings” and “crying it out.”

7-      Sweats lower your testosterone by all of it.

8-      Apes have the strength of 10 men but if you put sweats on one you could probably beat up that ape.

9-      Their original name was “give ups”

10-  If a man wears a pair for more than 2 days he will start to reference cars not as a “69 Buick Wildcat” but by color such as “I drive a shiny purple one.”

So until legislation is passed requiring a minimum age and some warnings on sweatpants spread the word.  We can’t afford to lose another young soul to this seemingly safe, full lower body cloth diaper we call sweatpants.

Secrets to keep your kid from getting sick.

Kids get sick all of the time.  Some how people are always surprised.  “Sick again!?!? Wow little buddy I wonder why this keeps happening?”

Let me take a stab.  The kid just licked the sidewalk.  Her entire lunch has been on the floor.  She just ate something that has been down the in crack of the stroller for 2 years and I don’t know why they have this tradition but it seems like every time a kid under 3 meets another they will have their hands inside of the other kids mouth as some point.

I am no doctor but it seems to me that if any group of people are going to get sick over and over again its kids.  They’re gross.

Your kid doesn’t have to be a statistic.  There are several things you can do to keep your kid healthy.

1- Cough loudly and scratch at open wounds.  People and kids will go near a sick kid but if you look like you are sick enough to die those sick kids and parents will leave you and your kid alone.

2- Bleach bucket.  Now, we all know that you can’t dunk your kid into bleach but you can use the same idea.  Get a bucket at lease 3 feet tall, fill it with hand Purell and set it outside your door.  Every time the kid comes home strip them down and dunk em’ in.

We got a carnival Purell Dunk Tank.  Fun for the whole clean and healthy family!

We got a carnival Purell Dunk Tank. Fun for the whole clean and healthy family!

3- Self immunization.  Now kids already do this but to a lesser degree.  The idea is to expose them to everything so they build antibodies till their immune system is tougher than a shark who’s parents were killed in front of him in a dark alley and had devoted his life to fighting crime… Yep… Batman Shark!

Take them to a local children’s hospital and let them lick everything in the waiting room  Sure they will get really sick but when they wake up from that coma they will be bullet proof!

Feel free to post any other ideas, but don’t say vitamins and eating healthy or I will smack you.

Medical advise from Man With A Baby.

If you’re living right, injuries happen.  If you haven’t been injured in your life I bet you are boring at parties.  If you’re interesting to talk to for more than 2 seconds you have probably been hurt say falling off a fishing boat or electrocuted trying to wire the house with the power still on or fighting off a pack of wolves while camping.  Don’t be embarrassed we all have been hurt doing one thing or another.  It’s what you do once one gets hurt is where people go wrong.

A man who gets injured will go through the typical steps a man takes to mend an injury.

Step 1 – Yell at it.  “c’mon abs!  I can’t believe you let me have a hernia.  You need to step it up!”

Step 2 – Threaten it.  “You better buck up little soldier.  I will cut you!”

Step 3 –  Rub motor oil on it.

Step 4 – Drink beer.

(I ran this by my friend who is applying for med school and he said these are the first steps he would take so you know this info is quality.  Thanks almost Dr. B Comer!)

A woman who is injured has a similar process.

Step 1 – Call their friends and talk about how they feel about the injury.

Step 2 – I think you just do step 1 again.

(I didn’t run this by anyone.  Just personal experience.)

For kids you have to have a different approach.  Kids will look to you for how to react.  If they fall and you freak out, they freak out… do don’t freak out.  You also don’t want to laugh at them.  You don’t want to create some creepy S&M kid who enjoys pain.  Find something middle of the road like “what are you drunk?  Get up, c’mon lets go to the park.”