How to build invincible babies!

Invincible babies aren’t born, they are built!

We all want healthy kids.  In an effort to keep our kids healthy we load up on Purell and antibacterial wipes, buy organic plates and free range napkins and wash our kids hands till they’re raw like an OCD victim that just wanked it.

All of this is having the opposite of the intended effect.  We need to get rid of the Purell and let our kids eat the Cheerios they find in the dog bed.  We bring our kids to the doc to get immunized against diseases that haven’t been around in 50 years then we bring them home into an environment full of germs and don’t let them touch anything.  This is why none of our kids have polio but they all have a new cold every week.

Lets take a que from modern medicine and let a kid immunize themselves from their environment.  Don’t just throw away the purell, introduce new germs to build up the immune system.  Start off prison rules style.  Find the sickest looking kid on the playground and have your kid go up and lick them.  When your kid starts chewing on a door handle don’t tell them to stop, challenged them.  “Bet you can’t get the whole thing in your mouth.”  Try playing games like “whats the sidewalk taste like?” or “how many rocks can you fit in your mouth.”

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If you want the seal team 6 of immune systems you have to constantly challenge it or it will get lazy.  Scrap the 5 second rule and replace it with the 5 minute or 5 day rule. If you do that everyone in your family will live to a hundred… or die trying.

 

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Sweatpants! Cause you didn’t like sex anyway.

Alcohol and sweatpants have something in common.  They are ok to enjoy once in a while but if you do them every day you need help.  “Sweats” is a misnomer.  No one wearing sweats is ever doing anything to make them sweat, and if you sweat from eating potato chip crumbs out of your belly button, seek medical attention.

Sweatpants were originally created by women.  They found when coupled with an old, stained, over sized tee shirt the combo warded off unwanted sexual advances.  Basically sweatpants were the first rape whistle.

Today sweatpants are worn as “day off” apparel, something loose to lounge about in.  The problem is sweatpants take away your motivation to shower or eat anything that doesn’t stain your fingers orange.  Sweatpants are sold at just about any major clothing store and without even a list of dangerous side effects and are available to everyone… even children!

Here are a list of the, all too little publicized side effects of sweatpants.

1-      Sweatpants were originally used on men as a means of castration.  If you’re wearing sweats you’re probably crying and no one go’s home with and fucks a guy who’s crying in public.

2-        In a Swedish study men who wore sweatpants were 10X more likely to refer to a Phillips head screwdriver as “the crossey one”

3-      95% of men diagnosed with gynecomastia (the formation of breast tissue in men) own two or more pair.

4-     They cause a type of rare terrets where a man will say things like “YOLO!” and “swag”

5-      Many biblical scholars believe that Eve was not made of Adams rib but was really just Adam in a pair of sweats.

6-      When a man is wearing sweatpants he cannot blow anything up with out first “ sharing his feelings” and “crying it out.”

7-      Sweats lower your testosterone by all of it.

8-      Apes have the strength of 10 men but if you put sweats on one you could probably beat up that ape.

9-      Their original name was “give ups”

10-  If a man wears a pair for more than 2 days he will start to reference cars not as a “69 Buick Wildcat” but by color such as “I drive a shiny purple one.”

So until legislation is passed requiring a minimum age and some warnings on sweatpants spread the word.  We can’t afford to lose another young soul to this seemingly safe, full lower body cloth diaper we call sweatpants.