Bring your kid to work day.

Today is bring your kid to work day.  A day created by someone without a manly job where the kid would get in the way and kill someone else or themselves.  Take the kid to work day could never have been existed 100 years ago because jobs back then were all manly like blacksmith, lumberjack or gorilla wrestler.  Drag the little shit to work day could have never existed 200 years ago cause there were no child labor laws so the kid was probably at his own job and it would be stupid for him to take a day off of his factory job to come watch you at your factory job.

Bore the kid at your job day is very popular these days because if you bring your kid in no one expects you to do anything really productive that day.  It should be called “put up with your kids whining so you don’t have to return those emails” day.  Some people actually try to work which is stupid.  No one is going to fire you in front of your kid so this is the one day of the year that your leash is off.  Make the most of it cause no one will be pissed at you for fuckin’ off cause you weren’t going to do shit anyway.  So take this opportunity to make the day awesome by following any of these “make drag the kid to work day into my parent kicks ass day!” ideas.

1 – Office chair drag racing.  That is one mean slope in your office parking lot, time to see how fast these chairs can go!

2 – Lewd photocopies.  “look dad taught me how to make copies… Whats a taint?”

3 – Go around to every guy with out a kid there and point them out.  “Low sperm count… low sperm count…”

4- Cubicle lazer tag.

5 – Finally, go to a job that is manly and show your kid what an awesome job is.  A job that you would be doing if you didn’t have to worry about their health insurance or college tuition.  A job like chef or firefighter or bear wrestler.

 

Babies aren’t expensive.

According to some bullshit I saw on line it costs about 400,000 to raise a kid from birth to 18 with a public education.  I say bullshit cause that’s bullshit.  My parents didn’t spend that kind of cash, not even close.  I am pretty sure my parents raised me on my birthday money and some Marlboro bucks.

Some people spend way too much money on their kids.  They forget that A: kids and not complex, to them “go outside” is fun and B: Spending money on them doesn’t equate to loving them.  They are two different things.  Women confuse this all the time.  I think that is because they are taught from a young age that men are supposed to show them how much they love them in diamonds.  (Which are not forever, you can loose a diamond.  You want to get her something that is truly “forever” give her herpes.  That ain’t going nowhere.)

Places you can save money with a kid:

Toys:  “Happy birthday, here’s a stick.”  There is nothing more fun than hitting cans full of water off of a fence with a stick.  Cost: 0$

Yard work

Yard work or the best present ever?

Vacation:  “I know it looks like a playground by your house but its really Disneyland.  You can’t trust advertising kid, have fun!” Cost: 0$  Hearing your kid tell their friends that Disneyland sucks: priceless.

Education: “Get out of the car.  You are at Main and 14th street.  Here is a map and 30 bucks.  See you when you get home.”  It will cost you 30 bucks but in the long run you will save money cause your kid will never ask you for a ride again

Housing: Have the kid sleep in a closet.  Kids are like banzai trees.  They will only grow to the size allocated for them.  Small room will be all the kid needs if its all the kid knows.

How to build invincible babies!

Invincible babies aren’t born, they are built!

We all want healthy kids.  In an effort to keep our kids healthy we load up on Purell and antibacterial wipes, buy organic plates and free range napkins and wash our kids hands till they’re raw like an OCD victim that just wanked it.

All of this is having the opposite of the intended effect.  We need to get rid of the Purell and let our kids eat the Cheerios they find in the dog bed.  We bring our kids to the doc to get immunized against diseases that haven’t been around in 50 years then we bring them home into an environment full of germs and don’t let them touch anything.  This is why none of our kids have polio but they all have a new cold every week.

Lets take a que from modern medicine and let a kid immunize themselves from their environment.  Don’t just throw away the purell, introduce new germs to build up the immune system.  Start off prison rules style.  Find the sickest looking kid on the playground and have your kid go up and lick them.  When your kid starts chewing on a door handle don’t tell them to stop, challenged them.  “Bet you can’t get the whole thing in your mouth.”  Try playing games like “whats the sidewalk taste like?” or “how many rocks can you fit in your mouth.”

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If you want the seal team 6 of immune systems you have to constantly challenge it or it will get lazy.  Scrap the 5 second rule and replace it with the 5 minute or 5 day rule. If you do that everyone in your family will live to a hundred… or die trying.

 

Your kid is manlier than you!

I overheard a dad today at a coffee shop that he could “never run a marathon.”  I did what any red blooded American would do and should do, I walked over and cup checked him just to see if he had any balls left.   Nope. 

Could never do is like vomit, even if it comes up don’t let it out in the presence of others.  Man up and swallow it back down.  You can say things like “I don’t know how to do it, but if hitting and yelling at it doesn’t work I will read up and try to figure it out”  or “I don’t want to do that, a marathon sounds like a shitty way to burn a perfectly good afternoon.”

People have said I could never or it can’t be done a lot in the past and MEN, manly men with testicles the size of planets made them eat their words.

“we could never walk on the moon.”  Done… suck it losers

“no one can run under a 4 min mile.” Accomplished ball sniffer.

“mix bacon and beer?  It can’t be done.” http://rogue.com/beers/voodoo-bacon-maple.php

A kid is manlier than any human that says I could never.  My daughter is learning to walk.  She sucks at it, she falls and if you consider that a year ago she couldn’t hold her own head up, walking should seem impossible.  But she doesn’t give a shit, she ate you’re impossible for lunch and shit it out by dinner.  She fell and scraped up her knee yesterday and the first thing she did was get up and start walking again. 

Kids are born without limitations and as they grow we teach them these “I could never do a marathon” limitations that do not exist.  What kid hasn’t jumped off of their garage with an umbrella thinking they’ll fly?  Stupid kids try it again without changing anything.  Kids of stupid parents never try to fly again because they “can’t do it.” But kids not taught limitations create airplanes and helicopters and personal flying devices because anyone can run a marathon and no one told them otherwise. 

Sweatpants! Cause you didn’t like sex anyway.

Alcohol and sweatpants have something in common.  They are ok to enjoy once in a while but if you do them every day you need help.  “Sweats” is a misnomer.  No one wearing sweats is ever doing anything to make them sweat, and if you sweat from eating potato chip crumbs out of your belly button, seek medical attention.

Sweatpants were originally created by women.  They found when coupled with an old, stained, over sized tee shirt the combo warded off unwanted sexual advances.  Basically sweatpants were the first rape whistle.

Today sweatpants are worn as “day off” apparel, something loose to lounge about in.  The problem is sweatpants take away your motivation to shower or eat anything that doesn’t stain your fingers orange.  Sweatpants are sold at just about any major clothing store and without even a list of dangerous side effects and are available to everyone… even children!

Here are a list of the, all too little publicized side effects of sweatpants.

1-      Sweatpants were originally used on men as a means of castration.  If you’re wearing sweats you’re probably crying and no one go’s home with and fucks a guy who’s crying in public.

2-        In a Swedish study men who wore sweatpants were 10X more likely to refer to a Phillips head screwdriver as “the crossey one”

3-      95% of men diagnosed with gynecomastia (the formation of breast tissue in men) own two or more pair.

4-     They cause a type of rare terrets where a man will say things like “YOLO!” and “swag”

5-      Many biblical scholars believe that Eve was not made of Adams rib but was really just Adam in a pair of sweats.

6-      When a man is wearing sweatpants he cannot blow anything up with out first “ sharing his feelings” and “crying it out.”

7-      Sweats lower your testosterone by all of it.

8-      Apes have the strength of 10 men but if you put sweats on one you could probably beat up that ape.

9-      Their original name was “give ups”

10-  If a man wears a pair for more than 2 days he will start to reference cars not as a “69 Buick Wildcat” but by color such as “I drive a shiny purple one.”

So until legislation is passed requiring a minimum age and some warnings on sweatpants spread the word.  We can’t afford to lose another young soul to this seemingly safe, full lower body cloth diaper we call sweatpants.

Hiding eggs full of diabetes

Its been a week since Easter and I have learned one thing.  Count your eggs, especially the hard boiled ones before you hide them.  We forgot to and ended up counting the eggs up to “that’s looks about right” which, a week later turned into a game of “find the smell.”

The other thing I learned…  We bought candy and plastic eggs to fill.  We didn’t buy a lot of candy cause my wife wanted to fill the eggs with healthy treats.  What a great way to ruin a game.  “I have hidden eggs all over the house with treats in them!  Find the eggs and you get treats!”

Flash forward a half hour.

“why aren’t you guys looking for the eggs?”  “We found one and it had carrot sticks in it…  Can we disown you as a father?”

So anyway, I got out the candy and somehow before I could get the candy into the eggs and hide them I found myself with a stomach ache and no candy left.  So I guess lesson number 2 is, buy two bag and hide one of them from yourself.  Then when you accidentally eat the first one  its just a little Easter hunt of your own to fill the eggs.

That’s the nice part of kids not really having a memory of the first 3 years.  You have a couple years to screw up and learn as you go.

Why baby proof your house when you can house proof your baby!

Having a toddler is like being on suicide watch 24/7.  Turn around for a second and they have eaten a bug or jammed something down their throat that they are going to choke on.  They view stairs as an invitation to jump and will ram their eye into the corner of any table they are walking past, especially if they are looking right at it.

Traditionally we have baby proofed our house.   We pad, gate and lock  everything until our house looks like an insane asylum for midgets.  Baby proofing is annoying, time consuming and expensive.   We alter 400 things to protect 1 kid.  The ratio is off.  Why not alter one thing to protect it from the 400?  That’s right, why baby proof the house when you can house proof the baby!

House proofing a baby isn’t all a walk in the park.  You will need some equipment such as:

A: a pair of wool socks

B: Goggles

C: Helmet

D: Duct Tape

Your wife may also have ridiculous objections like “this is illegal.”  So get all the supplies and just make sure the wife is getting a manicure or something.

The things that get a child into trouble the most seem to be its opposable thumbs.  They allow the kid to climb the book case, turn on the stove or swallow that thing they just found under the couch.   In order to protect the child from its thumbs, duct tape some thick wool socks on its hands.

Look ma!  No opposable thumbs!

Now strap some goggles on the kids face and before they have the chance to pull them off throw a helmet on top.  No kid with out thumbs will be able to slide a pair of goggles over a bike helmet.  Now the kid can ram his noggin into tables and desks with reckless abandon and never have to worry about a thing.

Every child is different so there may be different tools for different needs so don’t be afraid to play around and find what works best for your family.  Whether it be bubble wrap duct taped to his shins or baby clogs with bells on them just so you know where they are.  No idea is to out there when it comes to keeping your child safe.  Since it takes a village please feel free to post your own ideas below.  The more we all know the less thinking we all have to do.